I found the TV remote. It was in the washing machine along with the chicken wings you kept complaining to Domino's about that they 'never delivered'
Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
Been considering the feasibility of adopting a kangaroo. Yes I'm very serious. And yes I'm very high.
This is so stupid. Now I have to call the party planner and tell her that the break up party is off. They decided to get back together.
Alright, so what's my next move? I already posted a Milli Vanilli video on her wall
She just landed. Popped over for a BJ and left. I'm a fan of layover layovers.
My fridge broke, and apparently the back is missing. The repair guy just fixed it with a pizza box. I didn't ask where the box came from, but it wasn't mine. Reason #20 why rent is cheap.
This is the third time this year I've whored myself for a Netflix login. If this guy changes his password, I'm gonna fucking give up.
Or maybe pay for Netflix?
I'm not that desperate yet.
The dick lei will go down in squad history
Dude, they hit that lizard part of my brain that tells me to fuck people.
Preach sister.
I just got CPR certified, don't make me need these skills so soon
Dude... the time we have in life to be young and trivial is so incredibly short. I think we should drink tonight.
We fucked on the roof... like that has to mean something
He cut off part of his middle finger playing the knife game while singing The Knife Game Song at the top of his lungs. He also scream like a girl when his finger hit the floor and he realized he fucked up.
Quick question: now that you've broken up, should I also delete the nudes your boyfriend sent me while you were together??
Randomize
