My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
When I got to his place, he served wine and cheese and made me sit on the balcony while he read his poetry to me. He cockblocked himself.
My sheets, bed, and bathroom are covered in blood. She needed 14 stitches after a trip to ER. This is the last white girl I ever hookup with.
And then I saw the naval officer and gave up that whole new leaf thing
How long is a courtesy make out supposed to last??
i'm not entirely sure that 'not getting kicked out of the bar until it got dark' really classifies as 'doing better'
I went out in a blaze of glory. I failed the field sobriety test by saying ABCD FUCK YOU.
I cant. There's fences everywhere and I think I have a boyfriend. Its fabulous.
Just pulled back my covers. Jizz. Jizz everywhere. Hipster jizz everywhere on my only set of sheets.
I promise it'll work. Just go there and keep the lights off and keep saying blaowww. She'll think your me.
It's official, there's a sex tape of me floating around some high school
So like 5 seconds in I realize I knew him in 3rd grade and I went limp in his mouth. It felt like I just murdered the last unicorn ever. Going straight never felt like an option till now.
Do you realize half our text conversations are you asking me for tit pics and me saying no?
and than he said 'I did amateur porn for a while' and I just knew tinder did not fail me this time
So we hooked up and then instead of texting me, he endorsed me on LinkedIn for Microsoft Word a few days later
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