Just set a new record on Need For Speed at the arcade. Had to enter Tiger Woods as the name.
I woke up hugging a loaf of bread and a water bottle this morning
My face left an imprint in the loaf...
bikini waxes are so much more painful when you know you're not getting laid
You act like this is the first time I literally thought I was invisible.
she's just sitting here eating cilantro out of my herb garden and watching some show about ducks on tv and laughing, what the fuck did you give her?
I think I kinda scared him when I told him if he premature ejaculated I would punch him in the throat.
spending today hungover and untagging myself from all the pictures of me kissing girls so grandma doesnt have a heart attack. how was your new years?
Guess who just sucked off 1/5 of one direction?
He had really great hair, but he told me he's been in a psych ward three times. I mean I know I'm a psych major, but that's too much.
I'm too old for chlamydia. That's for 20 year olds who go to clubs and do drugs I've never heard of.
So my roommate just came out of the shower with a dude...guess that answers all questions as to whether or not he's gay
Did we have sex last night?
No. You laid in my bed and I brought you taco bell.
I am available for nakedness
You know its a good night when ur woken up by the bartender asking you how he ended up at your house
Nice. Make him jerk off and tape it. Send it to his woman. I also love that you had another skype date
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