Man now I have poo on my blackberry!!!
brownberry?
i woke up at 5 am and found myself wrapped in christmas lights that were plugged into the wall.
he asked me out through an event invitation on facebook, the title read Romantic Dinner For 2
I'm not a creep or anything, just a lost soul looking for a good lay
we cut her off and put her in bed but by the time we got back to the drinks she was already there shirtless. she's the topless tequila ninja
Can we end it on a good note at least? Can we fuck and then never talk again?
She texted me shhh....im drunk, secret booty call...how could i say no?
You call it a hangover, I call it a baby squirrel burrowing its way out of my head.
There are so many birds around me. And squirrels. I feel like that chick from Enchanted...but like if she had a dick and made poor life decisions.
We need to get you laid. Or i fear you might explode like a firework of sexual innuendos and unfulfilled erotic fantasies.
Since I fall down so much at parties I've started doing this new thing where when I fall I just yell FLOOR PARTY and make people bring the party to me
The horniest man in the world doesn't want sex as bad as I want pizza right now.
I just sneaky put a tampon in on the bus ninja-style.
......how on earth do you do that?
NINJAAAA
I JUST GOT WOKEN UP TO HIM PISSING ON ME SAYING "IT HAS TO HAVE WATER TO GO TO THE BATHROOM" AND AFTER HE FINISHED HE DIDNT REMEMBER DOING IT
if jesus wore shoes made out of pure flavor and hurricane kicked u in the face thats how it feels to eat pizza bites right now
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