So he says "lean over this" which is a chain across the doorway, held into the wall with bolts. I do. Then he puts his weight on top of me to try and get it in.
It breaks. We fall.
I now have a broken nose, a concussion, and an infected, split lip. Why do I have the worst luck in guys?
I really need to learn how to handle sexual advances from older women
I wish I had your problem
my mom just poured a water bottle of wine to take my dog on a walk...
I'd like to come home and be able to sleep in a bed that's not filled with crumbs from you getting too high and passing out while eating. This is seriously getting ridiculous.
I heard porn and smelled bacon cooking. I knew you had to be home.
okay. this is james and youre probably never ever gonna see me again unless i really really really want some pussy. sorry.
i just like, need to vent to someone
Can we skip the part where I pretend to care and fast forward to the appreciative blowjob from you?
Nothing says "I support my fellow man" like taking your friends recently divorced dad to a strip club and bar hopping with us to get him laid by an upgrade.
it's the amount of time you spend on preventing me from puking that really cements this friendship
I yelled "NO FLEX ZONE!!!" at the guy that thinks it's cool to take off his shirt at the party then proceeded to puking
Too much dab too little lung dying 😵😵😵
1) break up with him. 2) feel bad. 3) fuck some other guy. 4) feel better. Boom! Life plan. You're welcome.
As a member of the kink community, I feel grossly misrepresented
Even in drag you're still better looking than your sister.
I don’t care that he’s a decade younger. He’s cute and I need a good penising
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