if you don't open the door right now liz is going to get pregnant
hey is it cool if i invite some fat girls to the party so i can be the skinny one?
yeah okay. but if i take one home with me you have to come over in the morning and tell her to get her shit and go.
No, we ended up finding him drunk at a bus stop downtown sitting on the bench asking people for chocolates and amazing stories to "rid his mind of his whore of a girlfriend"
i just discovered a movie that charlize theron is a sex addict. i think my prayers have been answered
So you know that marine I slept with, well his girlfriend just told me I was pretty, I almost feel bad for sleeping with him now...
Dont! You were just serving you country
i feel sorry that you can never enjoy the feeling of shaved balls
Woke up this morning with a junior police officer sticker over my nipple this morning.
New low, passed out while taking a shit for an hour with my parents home, suprised they didnt notice
You know he really cares when he gives you one of those on-the-go toothbrushes for your walk of shame before running to work
Just chugged a Bloody Mary in 60 seconds flat. New personal best! Happy Sunday!
Do I need to call and sing lullabies? Because that's creepy, but I'm a really good friend.
How many Wendy's frosties do you think it would take to fill a bathtub?
I sign my lease Thursday, I'm about to be released back into the wild.
I'll make missing person signs.
You're a good friend.
according to the calendar even that i put in my phone last night, i'm supposed to fuck shit up at 11am today... i really hope i didn't miss something important
WHY are you masturbating to hockey fights?
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