I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
If I say "It's good enough" and I'm not talking about a sandwhich, that's your queue to stop me, you're supposed to be my friend.
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
I woke up hugging a loaf of bread and a water bottle this morning
My face left an imprint in the loaf...
If I refrain from fucking my manager, I'm going to reward myself by fucking that guy from the photo department.
If we could never, ever tell mike i pissed in his closet, that would be really really great
No more scars from drunken holidays, people are starting to notice.
test run with donkey pinata disastrous. broken glass and tequila EVERYWHERE
she texted me out of nowhere. and I wanted to get drunk. like I didn't even have her new number until 6 hours ago and bam we were rolling around drinking cotton candy vodka from the bottle she had stuffed in a boot
Her fortune said that she will soon be free. She's taking her bra off at the table.
Either I'm too drunk or she gave me a hand job to the rhythm of jingle bells.
Apparently drunk me thought it was a good idea to buy $100 worth of band aids and stick them all over everything in the apartment.
look when god gives you a dick that good for his son's birthday you don't question it
We were supposed fuck one time, but ended up fucking for 2 years.
All I'm saying is there better be a bow on your dick for my birthday
Randomize
