my elementary bus driver served me drinks last night. He hooked me up
Dude, hurry and get over. I need a wingman. She is on her 6th vodka shot and her resident ugly friend is still sober
I just got hit in the face by an old lady love handle.
My body has become completely dependent on Text Twist. I can't poop without it.
Just bought plan B with a coupon. Told the pharmacist I like to keep it classy.
Every day you talk to me ... I literally love you more..
and then he said he has been waiting since high school to touch my boobs
I was high enough to think that mac-n-cheese w/ ketchup, tortilla chips w/ ketchup, and milk was a fancy dinner
I'd invite him but there's too many people who have fucked me going already
So my girlfriend used a threesome to tell me she wanted to leave me for a girl... Not entirely sure how I should feel about that.
mom just made me 'sorry-you-have-hpv-pancakes'
Your babysitter texted, wants me to pay with weed. I don't know where to get any & don't want to. Will she take cigarettes instead? Or um, cash? Like a person?
He came so fast i dont think he got it all the way in. He apologized and gave me his favorite baseball card.
The good thing about country bars is that the men generally look like men. The bad thing is the country music.
He accepted my bet of 5 bucks to bike home completely naked. Never got asked about the 5 bucks, guess he enjoyed it too much
God... We're terrible. I'm so proud of us.
I know! It makes me feel all warm inside. Or maybe that's just me getting closer to hell.
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