At Bonnaroo. Just saw a couple emerge from a port-a-potty. Romantic?
we need to go to the store. i'm tired of having bud light for breakfast.
do you want me to pick up budweiser instead?
my dentist asked me why my tooth was chipped, i told him i couldn't remember. i think he understands.
I don't not like him. It's just wierd talking to him because we both know I fucked his wife.
He referred to his cock as "The cock" like it was third party or something.
Next sat night Titanic party. Bring your floaties, trashy necklaces, and a large lung capacity. This ship is going downnnnnnn.
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
Just found an unopened tied g of coke on the floor in her room... she thinks the maintenance guy dropped it earlier today. This takes the cake for sketchiest apartment.
Whatever you didn't send me pics of you topless making bacon
Fuck away man. Like 3% of these new people will be back next week. This is the best week of the year to slam bitches at the gym.
So I found out me and this guy I was drinking beer with tonight both got lactated on by the same stripper. We're milk brothers.
I may or may not have pissed on my floor last night
Welcome to 22
When do you sleep by the way. I was surprised when I went to work at 1 am,left at 7 am and had a text from you somewhere in between
I just vodka nap now...
She was wearing American flag underwear. How could I NOT fuck her?
You're a true patriot.
There are some people who should not be trusted with a cell phone while drunk. You know your one of them when you call the cops on your own party.
Randomize