Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
I take no responsibility of who alcohol hooks up with using my body!
i'm almost done photoshopping my face on his wife. it's a done deal
He did a line, told me my hair looked pretty against the background of the clouds, and then we fucked. Good afternoon
Mmmhmmm sure, nice try, but there's certain wounds that only bj's can heal
He told him to "throw up in my mouth like I'm a baby bird."
It was a group decision to take your pants off. Took a solid 10 minutes. No more skinny jeans while drinking.
He started using my brother's rc helicopter as a beer delivery device. He's a drunk McGyver.
Almost bit the guy's hand who sits in front of me because he was stretching. That. Bored.
I slept with someone only because he got my Simon Birch impression. It was a new low.
No it was good. I serenaded the holding cell occupants with a fabulous rendition of Making Love out of Nothing at all. It was fucking amazing!
Just got shoved by an Elvis impersonator. Evidently it isn't cool to ask how much of a disappointment they are in the eyes of their parents.
The only person who DOESN'T think it's a horrible idea to sleep with my ex is my therapist. Obviously I trust her judgement above all others.
ps why does my dog smell like popcorn and a dryer sheet..?
My boss walked into my office and gave me a toothbrush and tips for dealing with sex hair. She knows what’s up
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