He keeps asking where i got my clothes and accessories. i'm not sure if he wants to fuck me, or go shopping.
We asked an illegal alien to buy us beer. He didn't even want a tip. I'm going to Washington to plead that case.
Hung over. Bed full of legos for some reason. Not getting up. Come build stuff with me.
i ordered a pipe on amazon, and under recommended items, it gave me a top hat. it knows me better than my parents.
So I dropped $130 while buying shots for an army ranger, got my fake taken, almost went to jail, and came out of my black out when I was talking to the cops with a stolen detour sign in my hands.
MASS TEXT: Lets start a new tradition. Black Friday log pic contest. I'm waiting.
My Internet history has 23 searches for 24 hour cake. Self respect plummeting.
I'm just trying my hardest not to get addicted to drugs or pregnant and all your other friends are out there getting married
Guys, as my favorite vagina consultants I have to share something.
My professional advice is not to put lemons in your lady pocket.
In my defense, there are at least three ways to die doing that, and I'm still here. America, Fuck Yeah!
Hillary said in her victory speech "We're gonna come together". I've got a lib-boner.
One minute we're singing Wagon Wheel, and the next you're belly dancing in a trash bag on the beer pong table
Two questions: is there going to be a bathroom at this party, and can we fuck in it. This will define whether or not I enjoy going to parties with you.
Woke up way too warm in the middle of a spooning sandwich. Was working up a rant about still not wanting a threesome. Then I realized the littlest spoon was the dog. Might need to break up anyway.
im just letting you know I walked in on you with four different guys last night. a. you were all naked. b. they're all roommates
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