He came through my line today and bought designer impostor perfume, just for men gel, and astroglide. I almost DIED.
Odds of those being real?
One in who gives a fuck
is there anything more depressing than unpacking condoms from your suitcase that you thought you were going to use on vacation?
I heard porn and smelled bacon cooking. I knew you had to be home.
maybe you should do the old hyperventilate, take a shot of vodka, sniff someone's hair trick
DUDE, DID YOU KNOW YOU CAN JUST RENT AN ELEPHANT???
Oh God.
Come find me, I'm the girl sitting alone in taco bell at 9 in the morning drinking concealed beer with a straw
I told you, we're just gonna get ripped and light sparklers
Post walk of shame: realized the underwear I put on when I left was another girl's underwear.... woof
We could make it cute. Like "oh those two cute lesbians who are about five foot two who sell the cocaine down the street. You know the ones? With the Yorkies?"
His water bottle is sitting on my coffee table like a monolith dedicated to the things he is not doing to my vagina.
He keeps bees of course he's weird
Bring me a cialis. .. I feel like having a super dick today
Ugh. My life is a never ending cycle of bad decisions and taquitos.
So the same great-aunt that told me to freeze my eggs for procreation just told me that I should strut around the dance floor b/c I'd get picked up.
I need to meet your family.
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