my mom heard me say 'don't squirt that at me' while me & him were in my room. She then decided to call my aunt and complain to her that she has the sluttiest daughter in town. she refused to believe me when i told her i was talking about gel.
I'm with your mom on this one.
I sometimes forget that turkeys are alive even when its not Thanksgiving.
just heard someone say they saw a guy puke while riding a bike across campus without stopping
Oh, I made pasta salad in the throw up bowl. I hope you don't need that for the next few days.
I just realized my mom and I make the same noises when we have sex. Fuck.
Remember when you tried to pay that stripper to cry on stage?
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
So it turns out that my mom and her dad used to hook up when they were our age
Never been so glad that I look so much like my dad that there's no question as to my paternity
Woke up the day after the party with a bruise on my stomach. Pretty sure my liver was trying to escape for fear of it's life.
I didn't mind you coming over, just I'm quite sure most booty calls don't involve a scavenger hunt...
I'm just gonna start letting dudes eat it. American idol for my vagina
I felt really bad for not letting her go in, it was like we were dangling lesbians in front of her
Sorry this is taking so long. I'm looking for my dignity.
just woke up with nickles taped to my body. theres like a dollar worth.
I took out a life ins. policy Thursday. It's okay I can die in Nashville now.
Randomize