does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
i had a dream the other night i was titty fucking you while you were asleep, then you woke up and didn't care.
Dude. Muppets take manhattan on netflix instant. Pass my midterm or relive my childhood? Tough decision.
phil was outside the bar last night, sitting on the ground playing songs on a guitar hero guitar to people walking by for money...best version of free bird ever
i couldnt tell she was wearing a bumpit until she started giving me head
is the shake weight an appropriate valentine's day present?
Ok, so for future reference, in Rome, "piano bar" means "brothel".
I don't know what's worse....that fact that my dog ate my vibrator or that he later puked it up on my bed
picked up a girl by parallel parking. i love this town already.
I just got released from jail. still in my kilt. bring pants damnit. they won't understand.
pants will make it better? really?
Great. Woke up in Ts room wearing one sock, a glove and a beret with a sorrority chick CLEARLY out of my league. Jose Cuervo you ARE a friend of mine.
Ita all starting to make sense i need vodka like i need air
Solid. Can't put a price on good times
You can and it's called a liver.
Remember that time we got drunk tomorrow
That's how pantless uber rides happen
Randomize
