so i woke up to her 8 year old asking for a bowl of cereal...
One of the mothers are the party said to me "All your friends are getting married, you're just getting drunk"
They thought we spoke German and French even though we just kept repeating "I give to you a cat" and "Are you drunk?"
he broke into my appartment and left me a waffle maker...
Oh and my new excuse for not being able to hook up is cholera, feel free to use it
I've been smelling a baby wipe for three minutes. I didn't think I was that drunk but I guess I am
Ok. Here's the plan. Take your hand (whichever is closest), summon all your nerve, and just stick it right down his pants.
I love you.
She left a blanket, pillow, a glass of water, and two advils in the bathroom for me. It's like she knew. Best room mate ever.
He said I showed up in just my underwear and a bunch of towels I stole from the party I was at.
I'm dressed as a caveman and drunk so that's not really an option
I just found out two girls I dated met each other, bonded over how much they hate me, started dating and are gonna get married soon.
Well I'm half drunk in a green tutu at a chipotle. So pretty good parade.
I just woke up, its 6AM and i'm pretty sure the guy passed out next to me is 70% ugly...
I bought two pregnancy tests and a cosmopolitan magazine at 4am... I told the cashier "dont judge me, ur not God"
Bro i just made a pipe out of a mechanical pencil and the top to an eye drop bottle. Does that make me some kind of pot god?
Randomize
