ive never been so in love with another man before, in a totally none sexual way... no homo
I'm constantly one strobe light away from an E flashback
beer pong: waldo and ernie vs. bacon and eggs... i love halloween
He kept buying me shots of tequila. I decided to just save myself the half hour of toilet hugging and tell him straight up that I intended on sleeping with him. We got Tacos on the way home with all the money we saved.
just woke up in my car, in front of the bar. Took me 10 minutes to find my keys which were about 10 yards away in a bush. According to my phone records, I called my ex 14 times last night. Breakfast?
I'm not sure what happened last night but I woke up next to him and I was wearing nothing but my grandpa's diabetic socks, so I'm letting that fill in the blanks.
As she was leaving she said "You have an awesome penis, I hope to use it again soon" I need that on a business card to hand out at the bar
Should I tell them about my ticket for possession or about how I'm shitting blood? Which one will gain the most sympathy?
I'm not sure... How do you tell someone who was so smashed they couldn't remember shoving their dick into the fireplace that their mother actually witnessed the whole thing?
I think I just pulled an onion peel off my boob from sleeping on their kitchen floor
He's like a computer from 2001 in a 2014 world. It just doesn't work. Lots of glitches.
I'm so hungover I just peed on my hand and left it, didn't wash... Killin it in 2915
My mom always wanted to raise a classy lady, it just turned out to not be her daughter.
her idea of a romantic time is a bottle of jager, some Guacamole and chips.
can't go wrong with guac.
It went from a "chill game of beer pong" to "absinthe body shots and a tits parade" in literally two minutes.
Told you inviting her was a good idea.
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