so now that im really awake i see that my underwear are completely ripped down the side, my shorts are on backwards, i have to go get plan b....i call last night an epic fail or success depending on how catholic i am feeling
Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she can't stop having the shits.
she keeps The Day After Pill in her bra... there is a God.
He gave a passionate hug to every tree on the way to my car.
We snorted a line of cocaine and xanax, and then played a game of Backgammon. It was surprisingly therapeutic.
knew it was a bad idea. the look she gave me when i left her roommates bedroom in the morning really illustrated that.
Your boobs are like a big quesadilla marker
And is it bad that I haven't talked to guys who I haven't already dated? I feel like a recycle bin.
you left the hospital looking like the grudge, your mom and I were pushing you in a wheel chair and you yelled peace out fuckers.
Great. Now I have to produce, edit and leak a sex tape before Saturday. Fundraising is hard.
He fed us edamame like baby birds. Slowly all coming back to me.
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
I'm jealous, curious, and aroused. All at the same time.
My job here is done.
I told her we had to stay at the bar until at least midnight because that's when my direct deposit hit, don't tell me i'm not responsible
we're gonna read the declaration of independence and do a shot for every word he doesn't understand.
Randomize
