I told her I would melt her with my mustache. Needless to say, he pants were soon off.
So much for the toy store...Not a butt plug in the entire place. See you tonight.
They sext over her pic comments. Role playing as wolves.
Screw them and thier engaged asses. I've got liquor to drink and boys I don't know to make out with.
He motorboated me, gave me a business card that said congratulations on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
You're fucking beautiful as shit and we should have loving sex...
Why did you send me 12 pictures in a row of your expressionless face at 2:30 am?
They put paint on their hands and tried to see how many times they could touch me before I woke up.
Judging by this purple one they got to second base.
Also, I called my liver hardcore in front of vet students last night and then wound up having three of them trying to palpate it. So...not saying that again.
I, soberly, gave myself a concussion trying to take a pic of my vagina. Fuck you and your hangover.
I'm actually more excited that I had so much sex this weekend that my ovaries hurt
the cop found his r2d2 bong and asked me if i ever smoked out of him. i'm like, no sir. he's like ahh. if i were to smoke, it'd definitely be out of some star wars character.
easily made my night.
You were leaning against a fire hydrant asking people if they wanted to buy free pocket peanuts from you.
He was about to go in...and he fell off the bed. Ruined mood!
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
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