I decided that not getting a job after college is gods way of telling me I will make a great housewife
My facebook horoscope today said I will have a little "confusion". Obviously astrology understands a blackout.
I literally need to be slapped with another cock just to notice it.
My parents just suggested that we tailgate the midnight christmas service. this is my gene pool.
If you like her enough, bring her with. If not, eloquently cunt punt that bitch through the field goals of life.
The thumbs up barstamp on my hand is mocking my hangover with its positivity.
I bought him bourbon as a thank you for his apology. What is wrong with me?
note: just because the casino is called bourbon street, it doesn't mean you can puke and keep walking and no one will care. chalk me up for another 86
Like I'm getting finger banged and my family is making cookies in the kitchen. Talk about terrifying
Sorry I wore your bra during sex last night
Do you know how fucking great a bath bomb is when you're high?
I do not love him. There is no love. Only sex and meatloaf.
Going to give your dick a friendship bracelet.
her idea of a romantic time is a bottle of jager, some Guacamole and chips.
can't go wrong with guac.
breakfast this morning: omelette, Valium and baileys hot chocolate
Now that sounds like the breakfast of champions
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