Care to explain to me why theres a baby food jar filled with semen in my fridge? or why its labeled as unicorn sweat?
hes a good boy he deserves a good blow
I expect to be treated like a lady. Even If your sticking it in my ass.
FYI If I die in my sleep it is because I drank a bottle of coke from 1986. I needed a mixer
It's Friday afternoon and I'm drunk. This is how I cope.
I feel like this is going to result in some sort of tearing in my vagina.
Thats a chance were just gonna have to take
Everything's a blur with pockets full of jello
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
If if makes you feel any better, you're definitely the hottest guy I've ever friendzoned.
He is nice. Kind of short though. But didn't try to rub his jean cock on me.
Which I appreciated.
In last nights drunken stupor i apparently purchased a luxury travel package for two to Australia. So uh...get a passport and clear your schedule for next month
Would I be a horrible mom if I got a babysitter at 6am so I could go get laid.
I'm armed with nothing but $4 lip gloss gum and my phone. Ready to take on the fucking world.
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
Any luck with the purse?
No, though I did find her weed. Also her sons name is King. I'm uncertain how I feel about that
Randomize
