I hid a 6pack in the microwave for later
I knew I liked you
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
I found them on a couch next to the sidewalk screaming at cars with a megaphone. Kevin chased the mailman with a jello shot.
Oh if I trust ANYTHING about you it's your ability to lead a douchebag around by the dick
I walked out of the bedroom naked holding a used condom only to be greeted by half of my family. Happy birthday mom
Bad Decision October is in full swing. I was telling people that "I put on eye makeup today, I'm takin' a dude home with me!".
want me to make you a grilled cheese? I can't guarantee it'll be as good as yours but i'll go down on you afterwards if you want
brb printing out this text and putting it on my bedroom wall
bro i dont care how hot she was, you try keeping it up with the amount of puppet he had in her room, it was like fucking in jeff dunham's house
Let me begin to explain the rest of last night by beginning with saying that out if necessity I took a pair of your underwear
do you remember showing me a picture of your husbands penis last night?
yea! the mushroom one. i would only show you.
I pulled you and a keg around in a wagon for like five hours and apparently everyone else remembers it but us.
You did things that should be illegal to a Twinkie and asked strangers to drive you home.
Just let me suck your dick and be happy. Let me have this.
i let a mormon finger me. i don't ever want to be that drunk again.
Yeah, sometimes it takes a while to realize, wow you kind of suck and not in the fun way
Randomize
