my girlfriends now gay ex-boyfriend kissed me. tell maddie i can't hangout today
His glasses broke on the way to the bar aNd he ended up talking to this butterface all night. I didn't have the heart to tell him
I just realized I have yet to puke in your new apartment. Clearly we're doing something wrong. On my way over with Cuervo as I type.
Biggest penis I've ever pity fucked
I'm sorry you were dumb enough to get played by a male cheerleader
She said my new name was "ranch" because I "looked delicious"
It was like bizarre-o star trek. I shamefully went where every man has gone before.
Zombie crawl summary: 5 of 6 friends successfully laid. friend 6 too drunk to care and making out with a whale (not a costume)
I like how my motivation to lose weight is so I can wear a nude bikini and get covered in body paint for the tribal party. Priorities.
This is why we can never be together. Well that and we r married to other ppl but that's very minor detail compared to the coffee issue
Sitting in a waiting room with 15 children has me contemplating if I ever want to have sex again...
God bless the petty bitch who invented screen shot
I can always count on you to keep my boobs honest
I’m 95% positive I adopted a bunny last night.
You had cocktails, didn’t you?
Apparently when you start crushing adderall and blending them into your margaritas calling them blenderalls you have "a problem" WTF
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