i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
I just told her she was a heartbeat above a blowup doll.
he fingered my asshole thinking it was my vag...I couldn't bring myself to tell him, mostly from shame for me and pity for him
if i found out she had a dick after i got head, does that still make me gay?
Either I'm a lot drunker than I thought, or he has three dicks....
I think I'm gonna have to go with the first one...
Lesbians. Lesbians everywhere.
How sober do you have to be to donate blood?
Yes, that was ME getting carried out of the club singing 'i believe i can fly'
I came in your room, you looked at me and said "I fucked up" and then some kid showed up and took you to the hospital
I had to run home with my hands covering my tits this morning. How does this keep happening?
Everyone heard you scream that I was to be naked, in your bed in 5 minutes. We were one hell of a shitshow spectacle
He was the only one not on Xanax so he holds the key to what actually happened last night
I dont understand why so many people are content staying in and avoiding alcohol and sex
You should've seen the look on the guys face when I demanded pho and a beer the second they opened. Obviously he doesn't understand hangovers
I swear I have some evil slut demon in me when I'm blacked out
Don't we all.
Randomize
