Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
Please tell me why there is some girl tied to our toilet?
No one figured out why I brought along the vibrating massager.
Dude, fuck the siberian warm up. You can't put vodka in hot chocolate. Learn from my mistakes
she chugged a bowl of salsa and then gave my ferret weight loss tips. she's like my fucking spirit animal now
don't get you morals all over my torrid fantasties
I run into you far too many times while completely stoned and/or drunk for this not to be fate. It's like god is telling you to fuck me.
It has been happening a lot lately.
Shoot me. Oh my god shoot me. My moms ex "likes assholes"
I just bottomed with the last unicorn playing in the background. I've hit a new level of gay.
Your choices in alcohol this weekend are thoroughly disappointing
He drives a PT Cruiser.... that should have been my first clue.
You're up at 3AM, right? I have a very important question.
You know the Wendy's on route 6, by Kohls? Do you know if it has a drive through?
Yes it does.
I'm trying to secure Christmas dick. Idgaf if he has strep or not.
screwing the intern at work sucks when u find out the boss is too. She is a smoking hot though
Already drunk, almost got in a fight with a bunch of irish chicks. And another with canadians. On my way to get a tattoo. I plan to regret this trip.
Randomize
