Wow, your whole life is a joke regardless of the fact that its april fools day
Yeah. My legs are trembling...hard to walk. Feels like a neon arrow is pointing at me saying "just had sex (with not his wife)"
I really can't get over how proud I am of all us getting laid at the same time in the same apartment
He told the cop he was underage, handed the cop his ID, and the police report read "I then informed the suspect that he was not, in fact, underage"
I'm at the bar alone. Is this how you feel?
I'm pretty sure I just crapped out my pancreas. I have 2 of those, right?
Doing the walk of shame and bringing my dad a newspaper en route. Favourite daughter status confirmed.
Taking a shit on the side of the road is not how I imagined this morning would start.
How did you get him out of the shower last time?
Order Taco Bell and leave a trail of burritos leading to his bed.
I'm at an awkward stage of not being able to tell if I wanna keep having fun or if I need to die in bed
You wrote me a check. For zero dollars. For my soul. Dick.
I have a spatula mark on my ass. He spanked me with a spatula. Take that Rachel Ray.
The sex was so good I feel like I could run a triathlon, hit big at the casino, and defeat ISIS.
I guess what I'm trying to get to is that my dog sneezed on my dick earlier and its really taken the joy out of my evening.
Third time this week I've caught co workers dry humping. Quarantine really changes people's priorities.
Randomize
