sexting loses it's worth when you accidentally text your boss.
really keith? you showed me your dick and your not gonna text me back
It's so cute when the exchange student uses "blowjob" as a verb.
I cant be sure, but i think ive been drunk in this church before.
Carving a pumpkin in a gay bar at 2am. How did my life get to be this way.
nothing says "fuck you jocks from high school my life is better than yours" like bringing 5 grand in 20s to the bar
Hey. Im sorry to bother you but I just watched the seinfield episode about faking an orgasm and it caused me to second guess myself. Were you satisfied?
I keeping finding meatballs in random places
He left stubble rash on my thighs and cooked me bacon before 9am. I need to lock this down STAT
You said, "I'll have this whole island inside of you by 6 AM. Just point out who you want and I'll make it happen."
He said he couldn't fuck me cause I kinda looked like my brother
I saw a penis covered in glitter tonight.
I want to respect them as people, but really I just want to have sex with them.
I apologize for there being a shopping cart in the living room. I don't know how why or where i got it.
Just woke up to the cat unconscious on my stomach, his face between my tits, purring to bring down the walls. I'm endeared and horrified at the same time.
Randomize
