I'm sorry, but there's just something about mesh over nipples that irks me.
Dude if I didn't piss myself last night I dont think I would have woke up in time for work.
I'm at work, still drunk. Can you turn on the radio? If the station goes off the air I passed out. Can't get fired. Haven't slept yet.
because you can't take the autistic girl you're babysitting on a blunt ride.
Either I'm tripping balls or my dog has super powers.
i think the title to my autobiography shall be, "a bottle of vodka and various pieces of meat"
and this is why you're my favorite gay friend.
He turned me into a screamer. Guess I'm really not a lesbian.
I blame it on the rum. It keeps jumpng doqn my throst.
Just got cockblocked by my GF's wedding shower... That's a first. And I have to buy a gift.
The only times girls talk to me at clubs is when they're asking if I'm okay when I'm puking outside. Or if it's a tranny
I threw up in a flower pot outside the bar last night and have a date tonight....I think I missed something
Was expecting a sext from Kristi and then my mom randomly sent me a pic of her ugly Xmas sweater. Worst. Buzzkill. Ever.
Honey you are a beautiful woman but I came over to eat your pizza and fuck your brother. And you're out of pizza.
I woke up to a huge bag of McDonalds breakfast, a cup of coffe and Advil. The note read "yeah its a one night thing, but I felt bad so here you go. Thanks"
He just set a new unobtainable standard in one night stand etiquette.
Just found out a shooting happened in our parking lot while it was closed this morning. So thaaaaaaaaats fun.
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