Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
Tears do usually get me what I want. That and oral sex.
Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
He was putting purell on my boobs saying "they need to be clean for later." He hadn't had a drink all night
there is way too much butter on my body for this to be okay
I just realized I'm not towing a trailer. I thought this whole drive home I was towing a trailer. Wow too high
I am way too high for this. Some guy just keeps talking about music and life goals and he apparently has lived in every city we mention we are going
I'm sober in pajamas at a bar. Nothing is ok about that statement.
he said he wished i had balls so he could kick me in them. then we had sex obviously
Well you know it's going to be an interesting night when the bathroom attendant is doing hail marrys
We are keeping it ultra classy drinking 40s and playing croquet with 90s rap blasting in the back ground
It looks like I promised him my virginity, in spanish. What the hell did you give me?
My phone autocorrected your name to "grownup." that couldn't be more inaccurate. I'm getting a new phone.
It happened again.
What?
I lost in a drinking contest with my 84 year old grandmother. Two years in a row now.
I haven't showered. And am sitting in the office smelling like a beer can someone's been using as an ash tray.
Randomize
