I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
its good she wears the same dress to all the weddings so we can track how fat she's really gotten
so glad i banged her when she was skinny
he was chasing shots of soco with fistfuls of my birthday cake
franzia sundays are my new favorite holiday
whatever it's my dick and i'll put it wherever i want
I'm on his itunes. He has a sex playlist. It's actually not so much a playlist as 12 Kylie Minogue songs with a big gay Whitney finish.
just so you're aware of it in the morning: you tried to slide down the railing on a snuggie. twice.
I'm not going to be your wingman while you are in the hospital.
Do you think I'm short enough to dress up in a ghost costume and go trick or treating and have people believe that I'm actually a child?
How many more of your relationships do I have to destroy before you realize sleeping with me isn't a good idea?
it's not rock bottom until you fall down an escalator on the way home from a hookup and have to have you dad come pick your drunkass up at 3am. Adulthood.
nyquil+orgasm=very intense and oddly interesting
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
What the fuck was I thinking eating an entire tub of potato salad on acid. My stomach today bro
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