Facebook is asking me which Pokemon I'd be. Is there one whose only moves are gay sex and reading Adrienne Rich?
remind me to tell you what i found stuck to me this morning
i'd be lying to you if i said i didn't just bring up microsoft excel to make an alcohol budget
Please don't tell me I was shouting "I'm bleeding from my vagina" in front of my ex-boyfriend and his new girlfriend.
Did he make you just lay your head next to his cock and talk to it again?
He was with one girl when I went to bed, wad with another when I woke up and now he just told me he was with a 3rd in-between last night and this morning. Jesus Christ.
Is it possible to get a DUI in a wheelchair that's not yours?
I'm eating a piece of cake like an apple. At least my thought process is healthy.
Well see how he likes it when I randomly start crying and saying my dads name during sex I WILL RUIN ALL HIS FUTURE BONERS
I just took a shot out of my supervisors unzipped jeans. Our staff parties are getting a little too personal
I totally left my shirt at your house. Also I think I high fived your cactus last night
He's rescued me passed out naked on the playground next door and I've rescued him passed out naked in the middle of campus. That's why we're a great couple.
I'm too stoned to come over for sex
Yes that is a Krispy Kreme doughnut on my cock
I'll be right over
Woke up with two different pairs of pants in the pockets of a jacket.None of the above are mine.
Hey, I was just wondering why i dont have a shirt on, why im cuddling with a furnace, why im in my own basement, and where my car is.
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