I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
I love hooters. This dumb bartender is saying how coffee dehydrates you so that's why she sometimes just eats the coffee grinds wake up.
Her life must suck. All she's got is "Miss Shamrock" WHICH SHE LOST!
So theres a slight possibility i may not graduate according to planned because i was out getting laid instead of studying. And im okay with that.
first day of class and my professor asked me if i was going to come to class drunk all semester.
The guy is drinking 5 bottles of beer in a juice pitcher. Fucking amazing.
he said he would handcuff me to his penis. thats not even possible. i want to go home.
I have pictures of you taking tequila shots off the front of the police car when the cop wasn't looking.
you started looking at my couch laughing and saying to it "she thinks I'm talking to you" then proceeded to laugh and talk to the couch some more.
Ugh. This is the type of hangover that all other hangovers want to grow up to be.
Could have been worst, could have seen me bent over biting her carpet while her son was inside me, i think i would have respnded with "i was just trying to be quiet"
how did operation slutty penguin go?
pretty epic. there was a guy who was also dressed as a penguin. i asked him if he would keep my eggs warm while i went fishing for the winter
If you've never yelled, "fuck you ray Lewis" in front of your 87 year old grandfather you haven't lived
And anyway at least being paid in opium makes a cool story
That moment that random you banged behind the bar is going to be your son's third grade teacher... yup I'm there.
Randomize
