I just sold weed to a guy holding a baby...does this make me a bad person?
She offered to make me a fruit roll up salad for breakfast...I'm not sure if that's the coolest or weirdest thing ever...
I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
This lady in my dui class just asked what patron was. I feel like she doesn't belong here
That's because you're a slut. A slut fucking a fence.
We should celebrate the resignation of Berlusconi tonight with too many bottles of wine and sambuca. We're allies, right?
Thoughts of banging the girl who just opened my beer with her teeth?
No im just getting a road beer. You got my pants?
We're using joints as your birthday candles
Can you bring me the toilet please
He tried to do the do on me last night and my exact words were "stay away from my princess parts. they're renovating."
stop fucking thinking about him when there is A MILLION OTHER PENISES TO RIDE IN THE WORLD
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
I think I was just motorboated by a 4-year old girl.
My mom purposely got me drunk so I can stay at her house bc "we don't spend enough time together." I blacked out anyway, so we didn't spend time together regardless.
Randomize
