i dont care about people's attitudes as long as they give me head
Neighbors just bought a new bong. Got high with them and we decided to name it "Gary colemans sweet sugarlumps" these guys are hilarious
every single one of us blacked out. we woke up the next morning and it was like the night never happened. IT'S STILL A MYSTERY
My roommate didn't flush after her miscarriage. Time to drink myself blind. I need you for moral support. Or so I don't have to drunkenly cry alone anymore. Whatever, help.
Nothing like buying a handle and a 36 pack with a baby strapped on.
perfect irony that i'm celebrating international women's day with a yeast infection
Oh my god. I just RAN OVER a child. Oh my god this isnt my day. That kid was cool as fuck though
Hate you missed the after party, I was covered in dish soap gliding bare assed down a slip n slide at 6:30 this morning
Uh yeah can we get an age of consent check on Dave's penis?
Age of consent, Dave's penis. Thank you...
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
at crossfit today a guy shit his pants while deadlifting 405 lbs. coach made fun of him then congratulated him on his new personal record.
things were going awesome until jimmy put out a cigarette in the everclear.
do you ever just look around and think about how great it is to have depth perception? Like it's really, really cool when u think about it
Her four year old daughter walked up to me grabbed my junk and said "this will be in mommy later." Wtf?
My plan to hit on all your friends went to shit after the 3rd dirty martini.
Randomize