Every time we go downtown I ask myself why we live in Des Moines
Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
You told the cops that they couldn't arrest you because they weren't hot enough to fuck
He said I taste like butterscotch, licked me, then I'm pretty sure he wet his pants. So no, I do not want to invite him over.
come over i need a lifeguard for my shower
We just passed a billboard that said to join "jerseydoesntstink.com" and literally 15 seconds later, we could smell jersey.
He's engaged. If the world's smallest penis can find true love than I can too.
As i was blowing him Silent Night came on his iTunes. I said "it isn't christmas" and he moans "yeah it is."
you better take a shot tonight for every cat you have ever seen and wanted. this is a lot of cats.
Bombed my 8 a.m. exam and the liquor store doesn't open till noon. Drinking unfinished beers from last night till they open.
We don't have any ice, so I'm using the frozen cognac to reduce the swelling on Abby's toe.
That's what jaeger bombs out of teacups will do to you.
I repeat do not go to a jail visit drunk, those stools are easy to fall off.
He drunk texted me what I think is two snails fucking on a mushroom. Is "you sick bastard" too mild a rejection?
So just spent 30 minutes of my life talking to my cousins friend who told me she buys cocaine from a pizza place by asking for extra Parmesan
Randomize
