Omg alex and i were cooking weiners on a campfire and a bear came and i am waayyy too high for this
Phrase i just heard while watching the U.S. open: "Boy they have really trimmed it well, this has got to be the tightest hole in the Open."
I didn't have a rubber, but my dick had a date with a clorox wipe after we finished. I think I'm in the clear.
And now we have yet another reason to never travel to Detroit
turns out they were just sand fleas, not crabs.. thank you random mexican girl from padre who's name i can't pronounce
Why was I handcuffed to the roof?
It was easier then trying to explain why you couldn't fly
My mom assumed I was crying because he was leaving. Figured that was better than explaining my eye's sensitivity to semen..
By the way, thank you for feeding me fries when I was sitting on the floor.
i love that feeling when you wake up and have no idea how you got back to your dorm or why you have mac and cheese on your cheeks and eyelashes in your mouth
I didn't ask for a picture of your soft dick.
Going to a professional golf course at 2am to throw the flag poles like javelins
He told me"I think your ready for this" and went into his closet whipped out a movie certiffied light saber.
the bartender goes "wow its so good to see you sober" and gives me a hug
It wasn't until I lost my earring that I realized "I've been here before". Turns out we fucked a year ago. We've decided to make it a tradition.
Why is the floor coated in a 2 inch blanket of popcorn??
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