His stupid grin looks like he's mid-ejaculation
Even if you were sober, spitters are STILL quitters, end of story.
I wanna dance tonight. i just wanna grind my ass in some man's dick.
Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
i'm trying to figure out what goes best with beef ramen. a 2007 merlot or a 2008 pinot noir? i'm leaning toward the pinot noir.
Can you bring me a pair of sunglasses to the bathroom please... Don't judge me.
Right... Let's keep my vodka tinged mind focused on simple words
In my defense, last night's hookup turned out to be my actual girlfriend. That's gotta count for something, right?
I love that your nipples always taste like clean laundry.
DONT TALK SHIT ABOUT LUNCHABLES
Dude you spoke to a girl about CRICKET. She MUST want sex
I woke up with an empty beer bottle in my slipper and a note that said "it just wants to be warm"
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
We're hate flirting, damnit.
Our livers get a hall pass for 2020, right?
Randomize
