i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
the drag queen on stage looks like shes wearing the EXACT same dress i wore 2 senior prom.
Since my computer broke, i've been masterbating to girls gone wild. I feel like i'm in the 90's.
He soundtracked our prebreakup sex, our breakup, and out postbreakup sex. At least he's dedicated.
I briefly wondered why they weren't in school, but after the tinier one shouted "check out dem titties!" I had my answer
Just interrupted a freshman tour to ask where the sexual health center is. Figured I'd just give us all what we were really looking for.
He asked me not to hook up with anyone else because it would hurt his feelings.. while his arm was around his pregnant girlfriend.
I just peed on a rich man's lawn fuck yeah America
You know you were really drunk last night when you woke up and had someone else's jacket with their car keys and medical marijuana that you wore home from the bar and no sign of your actual jacket.
Even my conscience is telling me to take this Wednesday's exam buzzed.
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
Why do I feel so obligated to masterbate just because I’m single and it’s valentines Day...
He unofficially told me he deleted his tinder because of me. I think that’s a pretty romantic gesture in 2018
Hypothetical question: Would it be wrong to tell the annoying children who don't listen to their parents that the motel is haunted?
Apparently I told the mayor I want to be a trophy wife
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