We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
And then I have a slight inkling that I went up to the bar and tried to order the bartender.
so you had a one ended conversation with the toilet las night in between barfs. you kept telling the toilet how strong it was because its gone through a lot of shit in its life.
drunk me is so punny.
So the dentist told me I couldn't suck on anything. She emphasized ANYthing.
thankjk goddddn taco bell uis open htis lateee!
you do know it's eleven in the afternoon, right?
All I wanted was a "this is what America feels like" blowjob before I left. Is that too much to ask for?
Its what im here for. Critiquing penis photos.
his phone is always ringing though. It makes me feel like I'm dating a doctor who's always on call.
yeah, dating a doctor sounds much better than fucking your drug dealer.
I whispered "you're doing a great Job" when he was fucking me. Then high fived him.
Cute underage boy is in my house.
OH MY GOD. DON'T DO ANYTHING. WHY IS HE IN YOUR HOUSE.
I think Saturday night will always be a mystery to me, except for buying an excessive amount of birthday shots for everyone and yelling BIRTHDAY SHOTS before every shot.
I'm hungover laying in my moms bed watching Space Jam.. Adult Life..
He's in grad school at Harvard. I suppose that means my vagina is now smarter than I am.
Then he said,"I love you like a sister I like to have sex with."
He's getting so into these sexts, I hate to tell him I'm fully clothes, watching Bring It On and eating chips and salsa.
Randomize
