I'm at the psychiatrist, and this lady is crazy.. she keeps yelling about how her HMO insurance gave her breast cancer? Adderall isn't worth this.
So they call this "a walk of shame" but fuck that...this walk is fantastic. What kind of debbie downer came up with that name?
i just found a bag of weed behind my capital one card. i guess that's what's in my wallet.
you wouldn't come out from under your bed because you said there were six-armed bears everywhere.
ohhh that explains the pepperonis I found in my sock drawer this morning...
no it doesn't.
Okay good. And who the fuck put a condom on my foot. That shit hurt
I can always tell I missed tequila night based on the hickeys on your neck man. Fucking call me.
There are 27 signatures on my ass. What the hell happened last night?
Every time someone made a cup you congratulated them by letting them sign your ass.
During your work shift I was either: a) stoned. b) high. c)stoned. or d) high.
apparently when we were gone the parents play strip connect 4
I need a "no soliciting" sign for your dick
My butthole probably tastes like a Cinnabon right now
Goal: finish my bio assignment before the Xanax kicks in.
I'm eating cookie dough with a tongue depressor for lunch.
You're a brave, albeit stupid soul for wanting in on the fuckery that comes attached to my vagina
Just letting you know that while you peed your pants in that guys jeep, The orgasm I had made my hair fall out... Good morning.
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