i was unsuccessful, further solidifying for me that girls should not masturbate.
been sitting in chapter for 25 minutes. drinking last night's franzia out of a XXX vitamin water 10 bottle. recruitment chair has no idea. life is good.
All I wanted to tell you is that I fucked a guy covered in fake blood, who circumcised himself.
The difference between what I would do for a regular Klondike bar and an Oreo flavored Klondike bar is astounding
when i'm drunk i think im just gonna point at him and yell adultery is a sinnnn. youre going to helllll
theres a wall by my room thats like, a prime fucking wall. before i move out SOMEBODY is gonna fuck me on that wall, goddamnit.
Dude just texted me asking if I could drive 45 mins for a quickie dude use your hand
Matt's offering to breast feed it.
Build a thousand brigdes, lick one butthole. What am I remembered for? Buttholelicking.
Got with someone dressed up as Allen from the hangover so that's where I'm at in life
future reference: when you get a text that says "WARNING: EXPLICIT PHOTOS BEING DELIVERED. VIEWERS DISCRETION IS ADVISED." you always open the attached picture.
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
You do it and I'll burn these mermaid pants so help me God.
Um that's okay I got up on the table at IHOP and terrorized the entire restaurant for a phone charger after I stole the whip cream from the kitchen and started eating it out the can
This is why I should’ve just stuck with blow jobs. I’m good at blow jobs. Blow jobs never fail me.
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