Mother fucker. I'm a 30J now. I'm fucking speechless
He pretended my clit ring was a door knocker.
He told me I handled myself pretty well considering how drunk I was. He failed to realize that the lollipop I had was one I found on the ground a few minutes before hand.
By the power invested in me, I now pronounce your taco to be meaty. Meaty taco meaty taco meaty meaty meaty taco.
and after i failed the breathalyzer i said to the cop "i've never been very good at tests"....
We were playing hot potato with real potatoes at 3am
well that's what you get for sleeping with a guy called 'the defiler'
I owe you an apology, I was appointed captain of this sexy fuckship and I fell asleep at the helm.
He told me if he passed out to wake him by sitting on his face, and if he suffocated at least he would die happy. Found the one.
He fucked me so well and hard that the couch slid into the Christmas tree. I had to pull branches out of my hair.
I’m not closing myself off the to the possibility of making a bad life choice.
We have angered the beer gods. It feels like I'm shitting angry cats.
How many times have you told me to call 911 this week?
Lol twice
I need an outfit for the bar tmrw that reads I have daddy issues and would like a fancy sugar daddy.
ugh my stomach is so upset-- didn't get a chance to take a violent enough hangover shit at work
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