nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
I'm fucking him on the second date. I don't give a fuck what Patti Stanger says.
He insisted on sleeping in my bed. Had he taken all of my obvious hints I would have sucked his dick. He only wanted to snuggle. My world has been turned upside down.
he left me a note this morning. it said "thank you for letting me touch you"
I'm pregnant just thinking about him.
Taking shots with an iv of fluids in, because I work tomorrow. That's responsibility. Employee of the month right here.
My clit is not a Gobstopper. Cut it out.
I woke up covered in his pee. And then he poked me on Facebook.
Ahahhahaha I'm not that stupid but then again I thought cabo was in Africa until yesterday
I made the jerking off hand motion to my mother by accident this morning. It was awkward for everyone involved.
She dressed up in a sexy maid outfit for me, but she got mad when I asked her to actually do some cleaning.
Being engaged is strange. I looked at my cock this morning and said, "we did alright these last 32 years, right?"
I got custody of our girlfriend in the breakup.
You just want to live out all your fuck fantasies with all these girls through me. I know your game. Well played sir.
WHO CARES HE GIVES YOU TOE CURLING ORGASMS AND SAYS YOU HAVE KISSABLE SKIN AND RUNWAY MODEL HAIR....WHILE INTOXICATED WITH HIS BEST FRIEND. AND THEN HE SENDS YOU CUTE SELFIES OF THEM!!!!!!! WTF MORE DO YOU WANT FROM LIFE!!! DIE HAPPY ALREADY LADY!!!
Randomize
