he rolled over in his sleep, called me a hoe and then grabbed my crotch. some things never change, asleep or not.
If I die I am blaming you for not answering to tell me the proper dosage of horse tranquilizers to take
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
If the cops knock on your door and ask if you saw anyone throw an orange out the window I was never there.
Look at my fb. It says single. That's the gospel.
When do you want to get tanked and forget our entire college education?
I feel like if you're funneling natty lights on a Wednesday at 2:30pm at the apartment complex pool during finals week, you probably don't have your priorities straight.
Do I get bonus points if I get lockjaw after a cosmic blowjob?
it will be just like last year but no clogged toilets and more costumes.
At least his std test came back clean, gotta look at the positives here
I banged a guy named Robbie last night and in the middle of sex he begged me to scream santos. I'm pretty sure I just screwed a dude with multiple personalities.
WHY THE FUCK DID I HAVE TO FALL IN LOVE WITH A CONVICT
She yelled out "MCDREAMY" mid orgasm
IT'S LIKE LOOKING INTO GOD'S VAGINA!!!!
Babe, holding my hair while i blow you doesn't count as being romantic
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