Last night he was fingering me with one hand to his ear, calling himself 'dj clittles'
Thats what happens when go home with guys that wear shutter shades to the bar..
so i told my doctor my symptons and she just shook her head at me
did mom hear me barking???
oooooh yeah. good luck explaining that one
sooo high. sooo many dog friends
Was I really yelling "girls night" at random chicks before stealing and drinking all their shots?
I JUST DEFLATED MY BOOB.
I DON'T KNOW WHETHER TO LAUGH OR CALL AN AMBULANCE.
When we were done he got down next to the bed and I thought he was Tebowing. He was hitting a bong that he had already loaded and hidden under the bed.
So you drank bourbon with cough syrup?
I still had a cough. It only makes sense
Now you can NEVER tell anyone that on thanksgiving I took a selfie of my pussy to prove they don't get worse with babies.
If I could go one week without being called a maneater or a spanish trolip that would be great.
I just met a stripper in the light of day who I ate a candy bikini off her body. This is how my weekend is going.
HOLY FUCK i just remembered we had bows and arrows and firecrackers last night
and flaming arrows and vodka
how did we not set your garage on fire
Well, I'll handle this like I always do. Black the fuck out, make out with randoms, give out my number like candy. You know. Standard operating procedure
I'm currently drunk proofing my room
Is it sad that I just pissed sitting down so I didn't have to stop eating doritos?
Ya i'm marrying the man who can hear/smell this level of flatulence and stick around
Randomize
