Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
i wasn't gonna shower then i remembered i slept in my own piss
Ugh. my cast still smells like fermenting hot tub water and bad decisions.
I would've been fine if I didn't do the three shots
You did like 8
If you asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be today, I can pretty much guarantee I wouldn't have replied with "buying hemorrhoid cream on Bourbon St at 7am"
I'm sitting in my room naked waiting for him. When he gets here im going to make him do 20 pushups and lick my clit for a hour
Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has "Momma's Boy" tattoed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.
I just looked at your pics on Facebook....there was cake? Where the fuck was I!?
I found an inside smoking lounge. I'll be here for the next 4 hours. A nice old Canadian lady has befriended me and let me use her lighter. Fuck Hartsfield-Jackson AND this layover. I win.
I am honestly trying to remember his name. All I can remember is that he had a weird mole, a daughter and a lot of cocaine. Please stop letting me pick up at gay night.
Despite popular belief cocaine is not a good pre-workout
You thought there were zombies attacking us so you tried to tuck and roll out of a moving vehicle. Also you should consider wearing underwear
I'm sure nobody at Walmart was wondering why I was wearing a glittery tutu and needed $300 changed into small bills
His birthday is on Valentines Day, of course he's getting a blowjob
I just borrowed porn from my middle aged mother. This is what desperate looks like.
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