i woke up with socks on this morning
so?
i didnt wear socks last night
I will be home in 10 min. Dont be beating off on the couch
enter at your own risk
Any particular reason you put 2 smashed up limes in my back pocket last night?
i just feel like it would be irresponsible for you to not have sex with me again.
My vagina agrees.
I can trace it back to that drunken night where we peed on each other in the shower.
last nights episode of shot friends brought to you by polish vodka and flamingo baseball. pickles cure hangovers.
Dude I reek of $2.50 pitchers, $1 off/pack marlboro cigs, and fear.
Fear?
FEAR.
I'm not really into her personality. Not that we've ever looked for personality in women.
That's only a quality to look for in a second marriage.
My hair is short now so it will be easier to give you alot more blow jobs
I'm going to take this text and frame it on my mantle
how did operation slutty penguin go?
pretty epic. there was a guy who was also dressed as a penguin. i asked him if he would keep my eggs warm while i went fishing for the winter
What happened to my knees?
You ate shit in front of the homeless people. They applauded.
They were swingers. Real swingers. Thought it was going to be awesome until some fat guy tried to put my dick in his mouth.
I may be going to Mexico. I just met a drug dealer at a strip club. Seems legit.
I'm giving random strangers at the bar sips of my fishbowl, then telling them I have Ebola. It's a fun night.
Dude i'm still drunk and i'm feeding a raccoon cereal from my bedroom window
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