I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
You gave him your vagina and this is what I get in return? This is bullshit!
The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
I'll give her a pass for the first one, but after the second threesome, she should have learned her lesson.
there was so much ham clogging the tub drain.. he said it was ok he has a cleaning lady
Let's just say that watching the sunrise in a space helmet is really the only way to do it.
Partial kegs from last night are currently in my bathtub, which leads me to 2 questions: 1. What are you doing tonight? 2. Can I use your shower?
She was wearing my robin hood hat from Halloween shouting "steal from the rich and give to the poor, mothafuckaaaaas." We are taking her everywhere.
I FOUND AN AUSTRALIAN THEY CALL VOMMING 'RAINBOW SNEEZING' I'M NEVER LETTING HIM LEAVE EVER
I think we can say happy hour is successful when you have frosting and southern comfort in your hair.
you just won the triple crown of sex! your prize is more sex.
I just had a flashback to us shaking up Gatorade mix and then inhaling it in your kitchen because it was funny. Now I can't stop laughing in work because that is the stupidest shit.
The cat hopped on my bed and watched me masturbate naked with a vibrator. I've never felt more sorry in my entire life
We left Waffle House and he took off running five miles down the road saying we were "training for the Olympics." And I mean, I couldn't leave him out there like that...
Do you remember trying to eat the shower curtain last night...?
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