I'm curled up in a ball on the floor of my office with the lights off. I hope no one notices. No more open bar. Woof.
aparently i pased my english final. I don't even remember taking it.
Who would win... a chainsaw pooping pterodactyl or a bear with machine guns for feet. big debate about this right now
Okay good. And who the fuck put a condom on my foot. That shit hurt
The last mom I slept with was the worst lay ever. Imagine fucking a hairy wet pillow for 60 minutes. Good luck with your milf. I was joking about the Susan Boyle comment btw.
Today is leap day..... If that's not an excuse to blackout all day I don't know what is
That girl next to you randomly said that she fits into a queen sized pillow case
WTF.
Sometimes the gods of alcohol choose to take you on a mysterious journey and you just have to go with it
Well I woke up at my house so that's a plus. But I'm pretty sure I peed on my sofa because I woke up in the pee position.
He says I vaguely mumbled happy New year, kissed him, threw up and then went back to sleep.
I appreciate the I'll come bail you out of jail tone in the text
i'm gonna crowd surf you onto his dick
This chick walked up to me in the bar and started making out with me, then grabbed my drink while I wasn't looking and walked off.
THIS IS NOT A LAUGHING MATTER, CAITLIN. MY PARENTS ARE FUCKING. LOUDLY.
Guy just rode past on a lowrider bike smoking a blunt, I want his life
Randomize
