I don't understand why she insists on me walking her to the door. She came over for literally 8 minutes, we had sex, and now I need her to leave. That fake chivalry will change nothing about the situation.
I love Welcome Back Week...No I wont accept your god but i will accept that hot dog
My leg won't stop wagging. It's like it's congratulating my vagina.
so I was at the house for 3min to grab my bathing suit & tequila. You know, the go-to weekend combination
You better be Eskimo Brother-ing the FUCK out of tonight right now. Long distance 'balls deep' high five
My class coordinator for bio told us that the only thing we should do the night before an exam is to get laid. And then party down after the exam. I like him.
Send me a pic of your kids to remind me why I have morals.
I made out with drunk Joe Dirt and then put his mullet wig on for him. True Halloween romance.
I swear the toilet was so cold I tried to stand up but my balls wer frozen to it. most awkward five minutes between me and my mom.
I woke up with Pop Rocks stuck to my ass
I found the crust to my pizza under my covers that's cool
I hope the lord has blessed you with many tampons, child.
I can empathize with sociopaths, serial killers, demons, gods, and monsters....straight white males are literally the only barrier to my 100% empathy rate. I don't get it.
it wasnt that bad
you tried to climb into my fireplace while screaming TO DIAGON ALLEY! we didnt even watch harry potter. it was bad
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
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