I did something stupid with eggs call me when you get up. Cops were also involved.
I don't care how bad it tastes, i just put it in my mouth and deal with it
Nothing says Christmas like gin and tears.
FYI don't ever, ever get a lap dance from a stripper who says " she's having a bad day " at a bachelor party.
She came over and gave me a handy and then just lingered for a day and a half. Worst weekend ever.
She looked at my cock with a kind of resigned disappointment.
How many strippers in the world do you think have had a debate with someone about the NRA?
I ripped the door frame off last night too. Just remembered.
So here's my pathetic thought of the day: what does it smell like to be sober?
It's accurate though. I am legitimately passionate about pickles. I crave pickles the same way I crave sex. It is a deep rooted animalistic need
Here's to not getting arrested this year on thanksgiving again. Cheers bitches!
The important thing is that she is gone, presumably back to the depths of hell from whence she came.
I got a hand job after work. Remember those? From the 90s...
You will be reminded everyday when you witness my majestic mustache.
I ate cake in bed. Felt great
Randomize
