I think I'm in Tiajuana
You are not in Tijuana. I saw you an hour ago
I could be
she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
just remembered that i started a tab for just myself at 50 cent beer night last night... i dont understand my life
im sorry for trying to flush a roll of toilet paper down with my puke. probably not great for your toilet
we aren't going to have kids. there's a 50% chance that they would look like him. not worth the risk
You call it a hangover, I call it a baby squirrel burrowing its way out of my head.
Stop whining I left you with whiskey
YOU LEFT ME WITH WHISKEY ALONE IN A CABIN IN THE MIDDLE OF NOWHERE I AM GOING TO DIE.
Come part with me. By you sleep! No fun. Idek feelings Sorry for your life.
This isn't fair. Why can't sober me be good at bejeweled?
They ran out of toilet paper, so I had a girl rip down the streamers so I could wipe.
we dropped acid in chinatown. worst. idea. ever. too many colors. and nobody has any idea where steve is.
Is using La Croix as a mixer for vodka a legit way to reach my daily water consumption?
I just found vampire teeth and a moustache in my purse. do you know why?
it's okay that you two hooked up in the family bathroom at the mall.. i just pray to god you were not making a family in the family bathroom..
Being high is definitely not the perfect addition to this family dinner. No. My grandma trips me the fuck out.
Randomize
