i have a strong urge to join the asians in the park doing tai chi. I think im still high .
Whats contracted in vegas does not stay in vegas....
Dude, I totally just put a lit lighter to my hand for 10 seconds
How much beer did you get for it?
One ice cold coors, but those mountains lied
I was worried if he didn't show me his penis, he would kill himself
instead of telling him i dont hook up with closet frat guys, i gave him his "straight' fraternity brothers number... pike house will be interesting tonight
Hint of advice dont get with minor league baseball players, you can google their stats but not their stds.
My mom just told me my dad shaves his pubes while drunk and I don't know how to feel anymore.
Between the puerto rican elf, the fat marine, the deaf guy and the ex coke head I've got a good preview if the men in this city...
It's 4/20 of course I'm going to smoke in the portapotty and be ripped outta my mind at the lung cancer walk.
rollerskate sex sounded like a good idea...
She's like the Jonah Hill of sorority sisters.
Have 7 min to kill while I wait for liquor store to open. Feels really awkward.
In other news, I tore a tendon in my hand from giving my boyfriend handjobs so that's how my day is going
He was gone for 5 minutes, opened the car door and said, "Don't eat my shit." and dropped Chipotle on the passenger seat. He was gone for another 10 minutes and came back with Coldstone. That stoned.
When we got into his bed, his damn parrot started making sex noises in the other room
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