well apparently i yelled MY VAGINA WAS ANNIHILATED and his whole family heard
Would we rather be in rehab with the drug addicts or the girls with low self esteem?
I swear that when I have my own bathroom, I'm gonna lock myself in there and masterbate for at least 3 days in sheer appreciation of it.
If I had known I was gonna take my tights off and throw them over the balcony I would have shaved my legs.
My flask crushed my baggie full of aderall in my backpack, why can't my demons just live together in peace
Going abroad, it was like my vagina was in a candy store... a sweet sweet british candy store
i think i had to give the cab driver my id to get home last night because i couldnt talk.
My only regret is not throwing up on the conveyor belt in the dining hall
I made $130 by ordering two pizzas and charging them $10 a slice. If they weren't so stoned they might have realized they could have just ordered another pizza for $20.
Next time, dont ever let me talk to a guy drunk, especially if I have class with him the next day
Who do you have class with??
The guy that pulled down his pants in the middle of the dance floor to show me his tattoo
Dude, I'm trippin balls. For real, I thought this bag on my floor was my dog for the longest time...
He just ranted to some customer about fourth of July being ruined and I just shouted USA the whole time in the background. It was kinda epic
How do you clean human pee out of a carpet
Inconspicuously
I remember telling you that I think Taylor Swift has stolen my essence. I still think that's true.
My school has hired a professional rum bottle juggler for our dining hall this evening.
Randomize
