I don't think cute and don't forget to get tested belong in the same text
please dont tell anyone i was drunk
you were publicly making out with a very old very spandex covered woman...they know
I didn't know what to do with her so I just tied her to a bench.
I mean... It's a win/win situation. I mentor the kid for an hour and then I get to fuck his mom. I know deep down I'm helping them both
the japanese bartender dressed as a cowboy in assless chaps just told me i was too drunk for another shot
When we asked you how you got there you replied in all seriousness, "rode my legs"
Just asking. Could've given you a lap dance in a sombrero, drenched in corona and tequila.
God Bless cinco de mayo
which guy lost his keys in my bed this weekend?
Dude. You gotta go home. I think I left the snake hanging on the chandelier.
his brother walked in while we were fucking on the couch, told me i had "lovely jugs" and offered to make both of us a drink
I might have pissed in the corner of someone's shed. They have nice lawn mower.
holy shit the woman im hooking up with is closer to my moms age than my own
I manage to fit my wine bottle in my koozie and the rest is history
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
He's so sweet...I can't see him enjoying that I got injured during sex.
Randomize
