I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
I totally thought the tree was playing the guitar
Have you seen my high heels that I wore out?
You mean the one that you threw at the parked cop car or the one in the microwave?
the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
So this shipmate of mine somehow managed to throw up in his back pocket.
i would eat my own dick if it were covered in nutella
Come over and help me clean up your so-called "winter wonderland" that you made with the fire extinguisher in the kitchen last night.
The plan is to make enough mistakes this weekend to hold me over until spring break
Apparently she buried shit in the snow back in January and now that it's melted I found a flip flop, 4 spoons, a bottle of smirnoff, and 14 different candy bars
I was blowing him while he was singing Happy Birthday to his girlfriend on the phone. I win.
The Universe is CLEARLY playing a bad joke on your sex life
I was so high last night I honestly think my tears were medicinal
There's a bull to ride and dancing on the bar is encouraged. This is my heaven. And this is why god made leopard tube tops.
I stole $10 from the guy I hooked up with last night.Not sure why but it was definitely more satisfying.
He's teaching me French for free and I'm giving him blowjobs. Win-win.
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