I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
I feel like your standards for women is like rent-a-centers standards for credit.
This morning I saw a frozen puddle in front of my RA's door and I laughed, assuming someone poured water in hopes that she would slip and fall. That's when my roommate told me I had peed there last night. Thank you Captain Morgan!
Then we all started singing, "Our house, in the middle of the street. Our house, fucks a lot of freshman meat". It was magical.
Your wedding's just one more day in my life I can't wear sweat pants.
Haha. I got you. I always pay you back somehow. Do you accept all major forms of payment: cash, taco bell, and patriotic underwear?
Is there a reason there's a dick print on my seventh-story window?
Are you aware that you called me "Sexy clit lady" last night?
I threw up a lot of peanut butter last night.
Dude we need to hang out soon. I'm in the mood to get arrested again.
Do you want to talk about dinosaurs?
When she's hammered the amount of alliteration that comes out of her mouth is amazing.
As of right now, my vibrator and a bag of snickers share the same drawer
If you think that liquor is the way to shower sex then you're right.
Topless, eating sour gummies, doing a crossword, at 4 AM. TELL ME IM BEAUTIFUL!
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