I think my guts just had a chinese fire drill
its been so long since i'vebeen laid i've forgotten what a penis looks like. When a guy makes me hot i picture him finishing the job by whipping a multi-setting showerhead out of his pants.
Spaghetti and Car Bombs, good idea or what will end up on the bar in a few minutes?
you win again, gameday.
i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
Someone carved 'Hank' in all caps in the snow outside my apartment building so naturally I turned the capital H into a K and added an S to the front.
I think college has really matured you.
Mother nature decided I wasn't going to be a whore today. Fuck her.
one of the cashiers from Kroger is eating at my kitchen table and nobody knows why.
you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
im pretty sure this vending machine only exists when im drunk
My knee is bleeding. This cheeseburger is the 3rd thing I made out with today and I think I got a job with the ducks. Catalina is poppin
Just saw 1 guy dressed as a cow and another dressed as a shrimp dancing on the side of the road. We're turning around I NEED to dance with them.
She had cheddar bay biscuits in her purse. Biscuits, Id and cash. I'm gonna marry her.
he congratulated me on my ability to grow long hair after pulling it to see if i had extensions
I threw up in the darkest corner of the bar last night, then watched 2 girls freak out in disgust after walking through it. I then realised I puked on the dancefloor, took a picture and proceeded to send it to my mom.
Randomize
